F9

We’ve been on a steady downward slope in how enjoyable these films are, probably since Fast Five. So it’s a smart move to re-hire its director and see if he can inject some joy back into it all.

You’d think he’d opt to rein it all in but instead he turns the NOS all the way up and goes completely mad with the stunts. And by embracing the chaos he gets away with bonkers ideas like giant magnets and trips to space.

Yes it’s a bit try-hard. And yes the knowing-winks to the camera are a bit tired. But the action set pieces here are almost all made with a level of creativity and precision that is infectious. It’s more like watching choreography rather than events that unfold organically, but once you get on its wavelength you realise F9 just wants to entertain.

The story introduces John Cena as Vin Diesel’s long lost brother, and the villain. The amount of flashbacks and exposition required to make him fit into the overall franchise is ridiculous. We’ve known the ‘family’ for 9 films now. So to make it work they say there was a secret feud between them and they’ve not been on speaking terms etcetera. It ‘makes sense’ because it spends so much time explaining it all, but it’s really inelegant and bogs the film down.

This is nothing compared to the story itself, something about a device that can hack into all nuclear weapons that’s got into the wrong hands. It’s the same old shit you’ve seen in Mission Impossible but without the slick writing, there’s just so much standing around talking about how it all works and no one in the film seems to even understand the words they are being asked to say. Nathalie Emmanuel again gets the short end of the stick with having to prattle on about this nonsense.

Kudos again to Charlize Theron who for the second time gets a role that requires never having to leave the room, and as an upgrade she doesn’t have to kiss or even see Vin Diesel. She does get another remarkably shit hair-do though (white dreads last time, bowl cut this time), and gets an unhinged scene talking about Star Wars for way too long.

Guess what guys, Han isn’t dead. I can’t be arsed explaining what this means but it’s a hell of ride and turns this series into a straight-up soap opera with cars. We also see Lucas Black again, the main guy from Tokyo Drift. He’s applied his drifting skills to being a rocket scientist which is fortunate because they go to space.

This is a film that wants to run free and sell you on its stupid teenage boy ideas, and in those moments you kind of buy into it. But it gets seriously hamstrung by all the lore and characters from the stuff that’s come before. There’s just so much to think about and piece together, and none of it serves the story at hand.

Side note: I don’t know where Dwayne The Rock Johnson has gone but he’s not here, and therefore the first member of the ‘family’ to disappear with no explanation. This stands out in a franchise where they go to such lengths to painstakingly include everyone.